


Everyone is Incompetent

by Anonymous



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Begging, Can be Read as Rape/Non-con, Choking, Flirting, M/M, Manhandling, One Night Stands, Original Character-centric, Praise Kink, Self-Indulgent, Size Difference, Size Kink, Smut, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), They/Them Pronouns for Original Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2020-10-17 17:55:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20625149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: After the Armageddon't, Heaven and Hell attempt to set aside their differences to figure out how the traitors managed to survive. And, of course, the only logical way to do that would be to get an angel and a demon to work together.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is listed as written by anonymous now because someone i know irl found my account on here and i've prepared for the worst 👈😎👈 schwoop
> 
> ~ ~ ~
> 
> also this is based off of They Had Zzex by AmeliaDogwood (especially if i write more chapters) because their characterization of Gabriel gives me life

“’Ineffable Plan?’ What the hell is the ‘Ineffable Plan?’ The Almighty would tell us about such a thing, surely. Wouldn’t She?” Gabriel had been going slightly crazy ever since Armageddon had been avoided. The Archangel was currently talking to himself in a small flat in London that he had miracled to his liking. He was pacing back and forth in front of a full-length mirror and ranting to himself. He couldn’t begin to fathom how Aziraphale had been able to avert the Apocalypse and then stand in hellfire and walk out of it unscathed. He had even heard from Downstairs that the demon Crowley had managed to survive while lounging in a bathtub full of holy water.

As for his current location on Earth, he was working with another immortal being— specifically, a demon— to attempt to solve how the heaven/hell the pair of them managed to do that. The flat was a formality. Neither angels nor demons needed to sleep, and Gabriel flat out refused to sleep. An angel falling asleep was an action rooted in sloth, which was a demons’ job, not his. They were supposed to be sinful and disrespect Her in their every action, and although the very idea of disrespecting Her made his skin crawl, he could attempt to respect it. He had to work with one of _them, _after all.

It wasn’t his idea to work with the enemy, it was Michael’s. She proposed the idea to work with the other side in order to prevent further incidents resembling those surrounding Aziraphale and Crowley. Neither angels nor demons were very creative or very competent when it came to their jobs and the only plan that they could come up with was to put an angel and demon together to solve the problem of an angel and a demon together. Gabriel was decidedly the most trustworthy, so they sent him to Earth along with someone Downstairs and expected them to be able to figure out how the hell the two of them were able to survive.

He had sincerely hoped that he wouldn’t have to deal with Beelzebub again. It was enough trouble to have to talk to the Antichrist with them by his side. Any more time than a few minutes with them would leave him exasperated and angry. They had no respect for the Almighty and it irritated him to no end. Perhaps he couldn’t respect their line of work after all.

He sat on the edge of his bed, — another formality— exhausted, and rested his head in his hands. He had already given the address of his flat to Beelzebub so that they could hand it off to whatever abomination he was stuck working with.

A knock sounded at the door— that would be the abomination.

The Archangel stood and fixed his suit in the mirror, making sure his lapels were pressed flat and his pants’ pockets weren’t inside-out. He sighed and mentally prepared himself to work with whatever was on the other side of the door.

Another knock at the door— faster and more urgent this time— made his eye twitch. He didn’t have the patience to deal with demons any longer. He had already spent enough time calculating the logistics of the hellfire/holy water trials with the other side and felt like he had suffered enough. Angels weren’t meant to suffer; that was the demons’ job! All angels had to do was make sure humans didn’t get _too _off track and perform minor miracles now and again. They were ethereal, they weren’t created to suffer. They didn’t fall, why should they suffer? It was— pardon his French— bullshit.

The cracks on the door got louder and more pressing. He could make out a voice on the other side cursing and yelling. He strode to the door and opened it as the demon was mid-knock and seething with rage.

“Took ya’ long enough.” The demon snapped, letting themselves into the flat by ducking under Gabriel’s arm. “Nice place ya’ got here, miracle it yourself?” They teased, gesturing largely to the area around them and almost knocking a vase off of the coffee table.

They weren’t an abomination like Gabriel had thought. There were no scars or boils covering them like so many demons normally had, but it was possible that they hid the blemishes to blend in with humans. The only thing that really set them apart from a normal, upstanding human was… well, there were a lot of things. Their clothes were much too large for their body and their jacket sleeves rolled past their hands, so they had to keep bunching them up at their elbows. Gabriel idly wondered if they knew how to get proper measurements for human clothingand hoped that he could persuade the demon to take more to the light side while he had to deal with them (which would include getting them attire that actually fits them).

Everything about them screamed weak and tiny, so why were they sent to work with an Archangel? Gabriel had expected to be figuring this out with Beelzebub— as they were the Prince of Hell— but instead he found himself with... well... with whoever this was. They hadn’t even introduced themselves yet, which Gabriel found horrifyingly rude. He watched for a few seconds as the lesser demon looked around his flat, admiring— or possibly judging— his choice in furniture before clearing his throat loudly to snap the demon out of their trance.

“Oh yeah, I forgot I have to work with an _angel_.” The demon spoke with contempt and Gabriel wondered how someone could have such a distaste for angels. They were the good guys, for goodness sake!

“I’ll have you know that the feeling is mutual, _demon_.” Gabriel responded, lacing venom into the last word. “I was prepared to work with Beelzebub, but Hell somehow found a way to further irritate me.” The Archangel pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“Ha! As if Lord Beelzebub would put up with you!” The demon mocked, and even the pigeon resting on their head seemed to mock the Archangel as well. Gabriel’s face flushed red as he collected his thoughts.

“Put up with me? I’m an Archangel, I’m not meant to be ‘put up with.’”

“Yes, I forgot.” The demon gave a showy bow to him, emphasizing their hand movements and lowering their head in fictional reverence for the Archangel. They popped back up with a laugh, “You’re _the Archangel Gabriel_. I should be showing some respect, huh?” They poked their cheek in their attempt to be comedic as Gabriel’s plastered-on smile faded.

“Indeed, you should.” He paused for a second while fixing his scarf. “And although my reputation proceeds me, yours does not.”

The demon seemed to deflate but their pep was back in an instant and they stuck out their hand. “No problem at all, my dearest Archangel Gabriel.” They took his hand and kissed it with a flourish. Gabriel wiped it on his suit jacket in disgust as they continued to speak. “I was _technically _supposed to lead the armies of Hell into war against you guys, but that got off course real fast thanks to Aziraphale and Crowley and that eleven-year-old that we entrusted with ending the world, so I’m pretty much just glorified secretary.” They spin on their heels to face away from Gabriel and went back to looking around the flat. “I’m Halphas, by the way.”

And it only took them ten minutes to introduce themselves. That’s a new record for them.

“Well Halphas,” Gabriel gripped their shoulder and spun them around to face him again. “It’s…”— he was going to say, ‘a pleasure,’ but it really wasn’t— “something… to meet you.”

“What, can’t mention pleasure in front of a demon? That’s our whole thing, ya’ know?” They smirked as they watched Gabriel go red in the face. “And manhandling too? Just go ahead and marry me, why don’cha?” They put their hands over their heart and swooned jokingly. They looked to the Archangel for a reaction as he quickly took his hand off of them.

This was going to be more difficult than he’d anticipated.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Almost three hours of working at this and all you’ve managed to come up with was ‘They had sex?’”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im writing some more of this self-indulgent garbage when i should be finishing essays cuz im a clown 🤡🤡

The next hours were spent in Gabriel’s flat with no breaks in their work with the exception of Halphas pestering the Archangel to let them get take-out from the cute Chinese place around the corner. He reluctantly said yes even though he knew they only wanted to leave so they could flirt with the obviously not interested cashier.

They’ve been trying to coax the Archangel into trying food multiple times and always got the same haughty response: “I’m an angel, I don’t need _gross matter_in my body.” And they would always roll their eyes and poke his face with their chopsticks before diving back into their fried rice. They were lucky that they didn’t have to conform to basic human standards for eating or they’d most likely be dead by now. Not eating for thousands of years paired with week-long binges weren’t often profitable for the human body.

The demon shoveled the rest of their rice into their mouth as Gabriel looked on with disgust. “Okay, so…” — They wiped their face with the back of their hand— “It could be sex.” Gabriel gave them what can only be described as a ‘what the fuck look.’ “They coulda’ fucked and that’s how they’re unaffected by holy water an’ hellfire.”

“Almost three hours of working at this and all you’ve managed to come up with was ‘They had sex?’”

“I mean, they could be in love but there’s no way to test that without actually havin’ ta’ fall in love with each other.” They made a noise of disgust when they said the word ‘love.’ “It burns a little, just sayin’ it.”

“You imply that sexual intercourse is the lesser of two evils.”

“_Sexual intercourse_,” They imitated, “would be easier to test. Plus, there’s no mushy feelings ta’ deal with after the fact.” They pretended to throw up and the Archangel rolled his eyes. “Also, just say fucking. It’s not as wordy as _sexual intercourse_and it sounds like ya’ weren’t raised in a religious cult.”

“I’m not going to say…” He wouldn’t even say it. “…_that_. You seem to often forget that I am an Archangel, and we can fall for so much as thinking of sex.”

“Angels don’t fall for that shit anymore!” Halphas exclaimed, throwing their arms in the air. “You fall for murder on church property, not just for fucking.” Gabriel narrowed his eyes. They sounded a little too knowledgeable about the whole ‘murder on church property’ thing for his comfort.

“So, if we were to test that theory, you don’t believe that I would fall?”

“Nah, ya’ wouldn’t. I swear on my pathetic excuse for an existence.” They raised their right hand as if they were testifying in court. “You’ll be fine, Gabe.”

“Gabriel. My name is Gabriel.”

“You want me ta’ say your name while we fuck or somethin’?”

“I never agreed to doing anything like that.”

“We were talkin’ about it for a while, so I assumed that ya’ were on board.”

“We did talk but don’t assume that respectful conversation means I’m willing to do that. And how would it have any connection with withstanding Hellfire and Holy Water, anyways?”

“I dunno. It seems like somethin’ they’d do. Might be an overlap of their… essences… or something.”

“I’m not particularly excited about overlapping my essence with you.”

Halphas rested their chin on their hands and smirked. “Not even to find out how the traitors did it?” Gabriel’s eyes darted around the room but eventually landed back on the demon.

“Fine.”

The demon began to make their way towards the bedroom with Gabriel trailing behind them. They spun to face the Archangel and their hands were gripping his jacket in an instant, catching him off guard.

“Have you at least made an Effort before?”

Gabriel shamefully nodded, keeping his mouth shut. He _had_attempted an Effort before, back when angels were first figuring out that they could make an Effort, but not since then. By the time he was done reminiscing his jacket was gone and the demon was working on getting his shirt off.

“Hey!” He shouted, pushing the demon away from him and pulling his turtleneck back down over his chest.

“What?” Halphas looked up at him, brows furrowed in confusion. They really wanted to get that stupid shirt off of him. “Don’t tell me you’ve never done this before.” Their hands rested on his chest, feeling the toned muscles under the fabric. Gabriel scoffed at the accusation.

“Of course I’ve never done this before. Unlike you, I prefer to keep my corporation away from sin.”

“Awww, isn’t that cute.” The demon teased, running their hands up his chest and along his neck, feeling his breath hitch slightly as their fingers brushed over his skin. A devilish smile spread across their face as they burst into laughter. “You’re a bottom, aren’cha?”

“A what?” Gabriel sputtered. He had heard about something that humans called ‘bunk beds,’ could that be what they were referring to? He supposed he wouldn’t mind being on the lower bunk, so maybe he was a bottom.

“The submissive one during sex.” Halphas said to snap his out of his thoughts. “’Cause if you are this won’t work too well.”

“Oh, so it’s not about bunk beds?” Gabriel clarified, ignoring their second comment completely in favor of satiating his curiosity about bunk beds.

“No, it’s not. Sorry to disappoint, Gabe.”

When he didn’t correct them, they smiled a bit and continued to work on getting his shirt off.

“This seems just a little unfair.” Gabriel said when he was shirtless. Halphas gave a hum in recognition as they moved to undo his belt. “I’m already half naked and you’re—” He grabbed their wrists and pulled their hands off of him. “— still fully clothed.”

After a moment of silence: “You mentioned enjoying being manhandled, is this alright?”

“Uh, yeah,” Halphas certified enthusiastically, their fingers absentmindedly stretching in the Archangel’s rough grip. “yeah, that’s… that’s alright.”

“Good.”

**Author's Note:**

> gabriel might be a stupid bastard but that might be what i like in my fictional men


End file.
